i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
