I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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