I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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