Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
