Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
