She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
