So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
