And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
