Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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