put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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