apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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