he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
