When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
