I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
