The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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