have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
