I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
