I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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