Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize