That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
