I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Boobs speak an international language.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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