That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I AM VODKA MAN
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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