Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
