Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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