When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
