You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
