Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
