Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
