I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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