Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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