Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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