sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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