you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
