ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
