I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
