I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize