your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
i think im in europe. pls send help
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
