Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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