wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Operation Purity has been aborted
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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