Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
