I saw his package. It spoke to me.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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