You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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