rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
