We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
