How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
