Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
