You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i drank out of a bidet.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
