If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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