Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
