Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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