The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
