Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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