Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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