He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
