When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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