it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
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