u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
