i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
