dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
