I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
