I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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