Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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